British English seems to be increasingly affected and modified by Americanisms thanks largely to the amount of US television available across all our satellite channels.

One example is that many UK children believe that the number to dial in an emergency is 911 rather than 999.

Another is the increasing use of very daft words. I frequently hear people refer to getting off aeroplanes as “de-planing”. Whatever happened to disembarking? I never hear of people describing getting out of cars or taxis as “de-caring” or “de-taxiing” or getting off a boat as “de-boating”. So why have aircraft been singled out for such abuse? I was on an aeroplane once and even heard someone refer to disembarking as “de-boarding”. Goodness me.

In everyday conversation the American influence is getting a grip. Thanks to the way they talk in the LA valley, where many TV serial dramas are set, we no longer “say” things anymore. No these days we “are like”. As in:

“I went in to see my friend today and he was like, great to see you, how are you? And I was like, I’m great but I can’t decide whether to buy an iPhone 4 or not. And then he’s like, oh I think you should get the iPhone 4 because it has HD video and I was like, coo- well!” This is known as “The Like Quotative” – it is spreading like wild fire and no one under the age of 50 is safe.

My latest bug bear is the use of the word “math”, as in “do the math”! When I was at school mathematics, or maths, was plural. It had an S on the end. When did it become singular? It’s never been mathematic has it? I am thinking of running a campaign to get the S put back in Math.

Language has been changing for centuries so I guess we cannot escape from this monstrous hybridisation of our language. But some of the current evolution of British English just makes me want to get out of here.

Or would that be, “I want to de-here!”

In the modern world security is very important. We have to protect personal data, premises and ensure that our systems don’t get hacked. But I sometimes wonder whether we have ascended  to stratospheric levels of paranoia. Do some solutions actually end up causing more problems than they solve?

Take a solution to “Tail Gateing” I have recently experienced. Tail gateing is where someone who is not an employee of a company stands behind someone who is an employee, waiting for them to swipe their entry card so that they can be followed into the building, to presumeably commit theft or whatever.

The solution to tail gateing, apparantly, is that everyone has to swipe into one of the many and varied ways into the building, even if there is someone ahead of them who has already swiped a door open. This allows the computer to know that they are “In”.

On leaving the building everyone has to swipe out of one of the many and varied ways out of the building, even if there is someone ahead of them who has already swiped an door open. This allows the computer to know that they are “Out”.

All well and good until you forget to swipe in or out.

So imagine that you forget to swipe out one day. They next day when you attempt to swipe yourself in, the computer will think that you are still in from the day before and will therefore not unlock the door and let you in. Effectively you are stuck out because you are obviously not the person who the computer thinks is in.

But of course it is easy to get round this foolproof security measure. You simply wait for someone to come along to the door that did remember to swipe out, and therefore can swipe in, and open the door because the computer will know that they were out and not in. You can then follow the person in, and then swipe on the inside of the door so that the computer then registers you as out, thus allowing you to pop back out in order to swipe yourself in legitimately.

Assuming of course then when you went in to swipe out you didn’t let the door close and lock behind you before you could nip out again. Because in this case the computer will now think that you are out even though you have just succeeded in getting in.

So it doesn’t really solve the problem of tail gateing. It just makes you lose track of whether you are in or out or coming or going.

In our politically correct world where the State continues to insist upon nannying us all – I suppose nothing should come as a surprise.

Well the people behind a museum in London dedicated to Winston Churchill and his leadership during World War Two have decided to airbrush out his famous cigar. Which genius made this suggestion? Did they honestly sit in some planning meeting and discuss how they could make the health of the nation better by excising the cigar? And why should a museum have any business tampering with historical images like that.

Churchill smoked damn great big cigars okay? No problem. It was part of his character. Portraying him as he really was is not going to encourage anyone to take up smoking. And non-smokers are not going to be mortally offended by seeing someone with a cigar in their mouth.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t also consider airbrushing off a couple a stone in weight so that his picture could not be seen to encourage obesity. Or perhaps they considered airbrushing out the military uniform so as not to condone warfare.

This great man fought for freedom. Freedom from occupation by evil others who wanted to change our way of life.

Can someone now please free us from the interfering do-goody politically correct jobs-worths who give common sense a bad name?

After a particularly hard week flitting between Edinburgh and Glasgow I finally managed to put my feet up and have a well deserved glass of red wine. It was a precious moment, savouring the flavour and feeling the stress of the week begin to subside. A moment like that that should not be disturbed by anything and anyone.

Then suddenly my oncoming calmness is interrupted by an urgent beeping noise coming from the kitchen. It is high pitched and makes my spine shiver and my skin crawl. I have another sip of wine to try and offset the intrusion, but a few seconds later my spine quivers to the sound of another set of urgent beeps.

What is it? Yes, it is the dishwasher!

A dishwasher that came with a built in irritating ‘feature’ that makes it beep incessantly at the end of its cycle until you go and empty it. So the only way to enjoy my wine and to chill out completely is to get up and go and take all the pots and pans out of the machine. Finally it shuts up and leaves me in peace.

What brainstorming session in some dishwasher manufacturer created such an abomination of an idea? Are you listening white goods manufacturer? It is annoying, unnecessary and most galling of all, cannot be turned off.

Why not? If I don’t want cold callers on the phone I subscribe to the Telephone Preference Service. If I don’t want junk emails I tick the “don’t send me junk emails” box. If I don’t want “Pop Ups” I turn on my Pop Up Blocker. But I cannot opt out of this mindless dishwasher noise.

It’s not just in the kitchen. Day in day out we are surrounded by often pointless messages and reminders. At Waverley Station, on a rainy day, the electronic lady’s voice tells me every minute or so that because it is raining, the platforms may be “wet and slippery”. Talk about pointing out the bleeding obvious.

In Sainsbury the self-service checkout counters shout out a constant stream of phrases, “Choose Payment Type”; “Have you swiped your Nectar Card?”;”Quantity Needed!” – why can we not have the option to turn this off? I know what I am doing okay!

In buildings, lifts constantly tell us that the doors are either opening or closing. Isn’t that what lift doors are supposed to do?

Whilst these nattering electronic voices undoubtedly help some people, for the majority they just become a background irritant. We are surrounded constantly by a never ending barrage of information and instructions and BEEPS.

Would you like some ear plugs with your red wine?